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But will it be Number One?

The towheaded Alex Pettyfer sails into theaters this weekend for the first of two theatrical attacks. Our subject for evaluation is I AM NUMBER FOUR, where fair Mr. Pettyfer finds himself the forth surviving alien superman hiding out on Earth, fighting yet more evil alien monster-thingies coming after him to kill him. Oh and he falls in love with a human girl along the way.

Hey! That’s a plot twist we haven’t seen before.

The trailer, embedded below, shows Pettyfer blasting lightbeams from his hands, walking through fire, levitating cars, and jumping shirtless into large pools of water. I’m thinking that the producers of the movie read my diary, as those are all the kind of things I want to see… either in a movie or in real life. Which means I’m going to be first in line to see the film.

Ah, you ask, but should I be? Should I really stake all my hopes, dreams and desires on the fluttering fair-haired fabulousness of a frenetic flick? Let’s go to the reviews:

• “I Am Number Four” is shameless and unnecessary. That’s sad, when a movie casts aside all shame, demonstrates itself willing to rip off anything that might attract audiences, and nevertheless fails. What we have here is a witless attempt to merge the “Twilight” formula with the Michael Bay formula.” [Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times]

• “Conceived by Oprah-vilified author James Frey as the beginning of a potential blockbuster franchise, I Am Number Four is nothing but a million little pieces from prior superhero series and the Twilight saga.” [Nick Schager, Village Voice]

• “Screenwriters Alfred Gough, Miles Millar and Marti Noxon adapt the novel by Pittacus Lore, the pseudonym for James Frey, best known as the author of the controversial memoir A Million Little Pieces. To their credit, all the subplots involving teenage love, school bullies and fitting in ring true. But I Am Number Four aims to be a sci-fi action movie first and a teen melodrama second and long before its action climax unfolds, one sits wondering if these veteran screenwriters and producers mixed up their priorities.” [Steve Ramos, Boxoffice Magazine]

So yet another overproduced, over-hyped, underwritten and bombastically produced mind-ripping action flick with derivative characters, situations, scenes, and pacing, featuring the latest vacuous pretty-boy?

Oh, I am so there.

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  1. mm2 says
    February 18, 2011, 11:33 am

    Did you really expect the pre-season bubble gum fare to challenge your mind? Sure it would have been more interesting if the space alien had no traditional human imprint and feel for another pouty boy instead of that girl from
    Glee, but we got what we got. As long as the action is more important than the story this is what we are going to get. As long as people are going to pay $12.50 ($3 more if it involves dirty plastic glasses) for brainless entertainment this is what you’ll get. The only way to fix this trend is to let the movies be flops by not going. This is why we have to be forced to see two dozen Twilight films and thirty Rambos- because people pay to see them. When what hits the cinema on any given Friday makes Plan 9 seem like genius we really only have ourselves to blame.

    That being said, it may be worth a dollar from Red Box next month to see lithe dripping wet bodies and pouty lips. It may also be worth inviting people over to drink vodka and make up your own dialogue. So many movies lately are better on the plasma screen with the sound turned off. This of course is only my way to do it. But you can see 12 bad movies for a dollar this way instead of being disappointed by spending $12 for one bad one that leaves you feeling they same when you do when your hot cousin kisses you. Sure it feels good for a few seconds and then you’re disgusted by how that just made you feel.

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  2. February 19, 2011, 5:04 pm

    Well, with $6.2 m in box office, I think there were quite a few people like Tann who got in line opening night. Cthulhu bless their souls.

    Reply
  3. mm2 says
    February 20, 2011, 1:46 am

    Oh, well if tentacles are involved then all bets are off. I guess I’m a little older than Tann because it takes a guy like Clive Owen to curl my toes. Boys who look so smooth their skin still shines in a dark room are a total turn off to as much as adult men who shave to look like they haven’t had their nuts drop. Of course, if the sparkle I take out the wooden stakes and silver bullets.

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